By the time you read this, I will have hopped a ferry boat to spend my birthday on an island, to walk on wintery beaches and cozy up afterwards by a fire. At least that is my plan. I was serious when I said I was going to prioritize taking retreats on a more regular basis. I had to call in some very large favors to pull this one off, but I am so happy and excited just thinking about it.
I’m leaving you with an essay about something I came up with last year that shifted how I approach the New Year and continues to make me happy even now. I hope you find it perspective shifting as well.
And I want to thank you for spending part of your year here with me. I wasn’t sure what this newsletter would turn into when I started six months ago, but I am thrilled that you all have joined me, I love your comments and emails, and I am so touched when you share it with others. (If you want to give me a birthday gift, just take a favorite post and pass it along to a few friends you think might enjoy it).
As always, multiple subscriptions are half off and make for a gift that lasts all year. I have fun plans for this space next year, ways to incorporate other people’s voices and wisdom here as well, and paid subscriptions are what will make that happen. I have so much gratitude for your support in that way.
Finally, I am taking the next two Fridays off. I thought about hustling and pre-writing some posts that I could schedule to go up over the holidays, but I want to model taking a rest. I am always inspired by people who step away for a decent pause from work (Brené Brown taking a summer sabbatical and putting her whole company on paid but reduced work hours the other year was thrilling to me). We all need rest, we all need fallow periods if we are to be productive, but most of us don’t get enough of it.
So, here is my tiny bit of modeling—I’m going to be off filling my cup, doing the things that bring me joy, and this way I can come back with something worth sharing with you. I hope you are off doing the same. Thank you for spending some of your 2023 with me. Here’s to the next cycle and doing what we can to make it bright. ✨
LOOKING BACK
Last year I came up with an end-of-year ritual that made me really happy, and it had nothing to do with writing resolutions for the year to come. In fact, I am off resolutions entirely. In my experience, they don’t work. Even worse, they made me feel sad, shamed, and embarrassed when I failed to live up to the high targets I had set for myself.
Don’t get me wrong, I believe in goals. I believe in big, wild dreams but small goals, with a clear path to achieving them. But something about the clean slate of a new year—with American optimism and Puritanical betterment—always led to resolution lists that were highly unrealistic. I know this because I sometimes come across old ones I wrote. In the year 2011, I was going to lose weight, exercise every day, keep the house tidier, and write not one but TWO books.
I feel sad and exhausted just thinking about this—it sounds more like punishment than anything close to a joyful life. My resolutions were always about what I saw as my deficiencies, my failures.
Also, I’ve come to understand that the middle of winter is not the time to start new and ambitious projects—not if you live in the climate I do. Midwinter is the time to get cozy, to rest, to dream of new plans and ideas, but not to launch them. All of nature is on restorative pause, and so should we be. Spring, when new leaves unfurl and robins start building nests, seems like the time to embark on new projects.
But we live by the Gregorian calendar, and the end of one year and the beginning of the next does feel auspicious. When I thought about how I wanted to mark it, I realized I wanted to acknowledge all that had happened this past year, to send it out with appreciation.
So I wrote a list of everything significant that had happened—what I was proud of myself for doing, but also silly things, difficult things, things that had shaped me. I started the list after Christmas, then kept adding to it as things came to mind. By New Year’s Eve, I had a list of about thirty items that felt like they summed up 2022. Every time I looked at the list, it made me smile.
I’ve come across the list a few times since then—sometimes I stumble on the document, sometimes I seek it out to read again. Every time I have a moment of recognition—Oh yes, that was me. It continues to make me smile. Instead of feeling shame for resolutions I failed to keep, I want to pat myself on the head for all I accomplished, all I am trying to accomplish, for my hopeful heart that keeps chugging along.
Feeling pleased with myself is so much better than feeling shame.
Right now I’m working on my list for 2023, but I thought I’d share my list from last year, so you can see what I did in case you want to join in.
I should say this is not the first New Year’s ritual I’ve ever done. Andrea Scher has a lovely end of year practice of making three lists: what is to be celebrated or acknowledged in the prior year, what is to be grieved, and what she wants to call in for the new year. I was also influenced by Nick North who makes a monthly “Did it” list (the opposite of a “To do” list), to celebrate what he accomplished. And, a week or two after I had made my list, I saw this video from Melanie Brauner that also felt aligned; it feels so much better to celebrate what we’ve done than judge where we’ve come up short.
So, as we get ready to ease into this next chapter, I am wishing you peace and some pleasure in what you’ve accomplished. May our hopeful hearts keep chugging along ❤️
In 2022, I:
• Dyed my hair dark red, something I’ve wanted to do for years. Loved it.
• Experienced the worst physical pain of my life. (Putting off dental care is not wise; lessons have been learned).
• Published two books (Dahlias and Peonies); got reviewed in the New York Times (terrifying, but good in the end).
• Ice skated for the first time in decades ⛸
• Got onboard with audio books. I retain less, but sometimes that’s okay.
• Started running again (the dog is slightly challenged by this turn of events) 🐾
• Continued to mask; continued to avoid Covid; continue to miss my social life (but not all of it).
• Realized my family is rife with Complex PTSD: this is both devastating AND EXPLAINS SO MUCH. Spent a lot of time grieving and unpacking that.
• Didn’t garden. Missed the tomatoes but not much else 🍅
• Developed a skin care regime that I like.
• Tested my dog’s DNA (results forthcoming) 🐕
• Started calling BS more often (getting older is awesome for this).
• Developed a weekly financial check-in that is actually fun.
• Reconnected with our favorite live-in babysitter from when I was young and told her how much she meant to me.
• Started making my own ricotta cheese and yogurt. Why did I not do this sooner?
• Felt better about myself than I ever have (another benefit of aging).
• Went camping by myself (with the dog). Not as scary as I feared ⛺️
• Considered moving out of the city to be closer to beaches and hiking trails.
• Helped edit a friend’s mother’s obituary (my most meaningful edit job to date).
• Rowed a lot of miles (I don’t bother counting), lost some weight (I don’t count that either), felt better in my body than I have in a while (that definitely counts) 🚣🏻♀️
• Wrote more cards and letters than I have in years; most of them I even mailed 😂
• Learned to take better care of myself, learned to trust myself more.
• Made monthly contributions to two Black women writers, one tribal nation, and three non-profits doing good work.
• Danced more than I have in years 💃🏼
• Thought about getting rid of half of everything I own and putting the rest in storage. (I didn’t, but still thinking about it). Feeling the need to live lighter.
• Watched in horror as the climate crisis worsens and no one seems to care/notice.
• Swore I wasn’t going to plant any tulip bulbs, then bought 160 🌷
• Started writing a new book I’m excited about; worried I’m not a good enough writer yet to pull it off 📚
• Said “no” more often. This made saying “yes” even more meaningful.
• Felt like I was in the place I needed to be, doing the life work I’m supposed to be doing, even when both those things were hard and sucky 💪🏼
• Started daydreaming (and scheming) new adventures, in cities and countries far away✨✨
• My biggest, most genuine wish was just MORE: more time, more opportunities, more connections, more laughs, more of this.
• Stressed so much less (I tell you, getting older is kind of GREAT) 💥
Best birthday wishes to you — and I loved your list of accomplishments from 2022! I’ve never been one to make resolutions, but made one approx 8 or 9 years ago which I loved. I’ve never watched much tv (I’d rather read) but there were 2 tv series I was really curious about, so my resolution was to watch more tv. I really enjoyed the shows, so that resolution was a grand success! The next year, I resolved to knit a sweater, and I failed at that one. Instead I’ve turned it into a long term, someday I’d like to… sort of resolution!