Saying so
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I think we could all use a little more good stuff in our lives these days, don’t you?
I’m sending this week’s post a little early, to get in front of the holiday here in the US, but also because it might be something you want to try this week—or over the festive season to come.
I want to talk about gratitude—but don’t worry, I’m not going to suggest you make a list. I’m going to suggest you write a letter.
Let me explain.
I come from a very small family, where three of my four grandparents were gone before I was born (or shortly after), so I haven’t lost a lot of people in my life. Because of this, it took me awhile to realize what happens in the second half of a lifetime.
It took me awhile to realize that part of getting older means we will, slowly but surely, lose the elders in our communities, though really, loss can happen at any age. It’s odd we don’t talk about this more.
When I began to understand and experience this, I realized there were people in my life who had been hugely influential and I would be gutted to lose them without saying so. Some of them had no idea the impact they had made on me.
So, I made a list of these names and I started writing letters. It wasn’t a long list—six or seven people—but every one of them had meant something big to me and I wanted to thank them.
I wrote a letter to the family friend I think of as my godmother. I tracked down the woman who had lived with my family and taken care of my brother and myself (she also taught me how to cook, a gift that has served me so well in life). I wrote a letter to the director of my summer camp, the closest thing I have to a father figure (though I knew he had no idea I saw him like that).
There were tears when I wrote these letters, and I know there were tears when they were read; it’s the best sort of tears, when you are changed by them.
While I hadn’t imagined things would go this way, a year or two after I wrote the first letter my godmother was diagnosed with cancer. I cannot tell you how glad I was to have said all the heartfelt things when I had the time and space to do so. Every detail and thank you had already been relayed, under much calmer circumstances, and there was nothing left to regret.
It felt like a gift I hadn’t known I was giving—to myself, as well as to her.
As we are in a season of family gatherings, perhaps you want to take the time to connect with the elders in your community. I know writing letters is not something that appeals to everyone, but a heartfelt conversation can work just as well. The truth is we never know how much time we have together—and that goes for people of all ages.
The poet Andrea Gibson related a story this week about the grandfather of a friend of hers, who, in the final hours of his life, lay in bed and kept saying, over and over again: “Love, love, love.” Until he finally kissed his wife of sixty-three years and passed away.
At the end of the day, that is what it’s all about—the people we love, how we’ve connected, how they’ve changed us, how we’ve impacted them.
It’s about love. And we never know how many chances we have left to say so.
Wishing you well ❤️