The return on my (friend) investment

Last year, I told you I’d decided to invest in some of my oldest friendships, to make them more of a priority in my life. I used to visit the area where I grew up regularly—so I’d see those friends every year or two. But then the pandemic happened and I haven’t been back in five years.

I’d begun to feel like those connections were falling away—and I didn’t want that to happen. These people are too dear to me.

So, I told these friends I wanted to make sure we had time to connect. None of them particularly likes talking on the phone, but for now that is what we’ve got. I joked that we could do cocktail hour—maybe a drink would ease the pain of the telephone?

We didn’t need to resort to that, but we did have to figure out what works.

Now, M. calls me when she is walking the dog or cleaning something (she’s a multi-tasker). S. and I talk here and there and text photos. P. and I talk when he is driving, and leave enthusiastic voicemails for each other in between.

What I wanted to share with you is the ROI (return on investment). Because it’s been significant.

Of course it’s been a delight to talk and laugh with my friends more often, to feel a closer part of their lives—and to have their insight and support in my life. That goes without saying, but the surprise payoff was this:

Last summer, with no urging from me, two of my three people came to visit me in Seattle.

S. signed on to write a book about a Seattle-based business, so her four-day visit was technically a work trip. But one of the reasons she was inclined to take the project is that it would allow her to come see me.

The book ended up getting scuttled, but the free trip was definitely a highlight.

P. called one afternoon and asked if I was free for lunch the following day. His daughter was playing soccer for a few days in Seattle. He hadn’t planned on coming, but when he realized we could have lunch together he hopped a flight and the next day was sitting on my deck. What a delightful and spontaneous surprise!

I don’t think that would have happened if we hadn’t been talking more frequently.

And (drum roll, please), the final of my three friends—the one I have hoped would visit for more than ten years—flies in tomorrow with her family. This is a college tour visit for her daughter, but they likely would not be looking at PNW colleges if I hadn’t told her about them over the last year and a half of phone calls.

I can’t tell you what a big hug I am going to give her this weekend.

Because life gets busy—with work, with kids—and old friendships often go on auto-pilot, especially if there is geography involved. These are relationships you can pick up where you left off—and often that’s what happens. Then suddenly you realize five years have gone past.

But these people are so dear to me. S. is the only person who knows how bad my teenage acne was (so bad!). P. and I have crazy stories of living in Japan and mad adventures traveling around Asia. M. was my roommate (favorite roommate of all time) when I was in my late twenties, working at an entry-level job in publishing and hoping/dreaming of being a writer someday.

These people hold my history, they hold my heart—and that is worth holding tight to.

S. and me in high school (shown from behind because: acne 😂)
P. and me in Japan: having adventures (and day drinking) at Matsumoto Castle.
Apparently M. and I do not take enough photos; must rectify that this weekend.

I don’t know what your situation is—maybe your oldest friends are the ones you are tightest with and you see them all the time. Maybe you’ve moved—like I have—and some friends have slipped away. Maybe it’s a relief to have new friends who are a better match for who you are now than those from your childhood. (There are definitely some old friends I do not need to cultivate).

But if there is someone you care about and may have drifted away from—or it feels like you might be heading in that direction, I’d encourage you to reach out and be more intentional about it.

I am so deeply glad I did. I’m so looking forward to growing old with these stellar folks. We’re going to be laughing together for years to come.

Here’s the original post I wrote on this topic, with ideas and advice about fostering connections with friends and community.

And here is an essay by Sarah Von Bargen that I adore about spending quality time with friends: I love you too much to just grab coffee.

Hope you have a good weekend. Maybe find time to call an old friend?

—Tara

Something else to enjoy: my books